Movie Reviews 35

Bordello of Blood (1996)
Another one of those Tales from the Crypt movie series, this one features a resurrected uber-vampire, Lilith, that also happens to be an uber-babe. She sets up shop under the facade of a mortuary having her minions scouring pubs who urge young horny guys to visit the mortuary with promises of a good time. The visitors are placed into a coffin at gunpoint which then slides into the bordello in another part of the building. As the men emerge thinking they are in Nirvana, they then hook up with the vampire gals only to have their hearts literally pulled out to be digested by Lilith. When the brother (Corey Feldman) of a producer (Erika Eleniak) for a TV evangelist goes missing, she reluctantly hires a private eye (Dennis Miller) to investigate. The “Bordello” aspect of the title is well deserved as there are plenty of boobs in all the bordello scenes. The comic relief by Miller is quite funny and while mindless, works well in a movie like this. There are a few other nice touches like having the mortuary/Bordello house named “Gaines” in honour of the late EC Comics and Mad magazine publisher and crusader for uncensored comics. Also look for original Fright Night alumni Chris Sarandon in the role of the TV evangelist. Talk about role reversal!

Piranha 3D (2010)
Director Alexandre Aja got some street cred when he revamped the old horror classic The Hills Have Eyes, but when I heard that he was going to remake Roger Corman’s Piranha, I wasn’t so sure a simple gorefest was going to work for him. The original Piranha was nothing but a ‘cash in’ movie riding on the coattails of Jaws and the many other sea creature movies that followed at the time. It was all boobs and gore, and, if you’ll excuse the pun, nothing that you could sink your teeth into. So what could a remake have to offer? Well more boobs and gore for starters. And yet more boobs. And yet more gore. Starting to get the picture? But as a ‘boobs and gore’ movie, with a little light hearted humour thrown in for good measure, it works. The story replaces the original piranhas with ancient dinosaur aged ancestors to make their bloodthirstiness just a little more convincing. As in the case of the little fishies themselves, the main attraction for the viewer is the tons of blood used, especially with the grand finale. FX wiz Greg Nicotero takes the blood and gore to a new level with a veritable army of bodies strewn throughout and some truly original and shocking scenes. There are also a few nods to Jaws and a few other movies. It stars Elizabeth Shue and Jason Bateman, but the real stars are the piranhas and the damage they inflict.

Giallo (2009)
Director Dario Argento practically created the Giallo sub-genre of thriller movies, so it was quite a surprise when I heard that the master himself was going to direct a movie named after the genre itself. Starring Adrian Brody as an Italian cop (which is weird already), the story is about a psychotic killer that goes around Turin in a cab and snatching foreign women who he then kills. This was a problem plagued movie from the start of filming (google for the financial disputes Brody underwent while shooting) and while I don’t know if that translated in to the movie making process itself, the end result just has too many holes and implausibilities to make even the most ardent Argento fan happy. An otherwise fine actor, Brody stumbles throughout the movie not only in the starring role but as the psycho (despite a terrible and ridiculous makeup attempt and using an anagram (as Byron Deidra) in the credits). The bondage and torture scenes FX are laughable and make use of blood that looks more like red paint. I’ve seen backyard productions that have home made blood recipes that are more convincing. I endured most of the movie hoping that some interesting ending would make it all worth it, but it was as predictable as everything leading up to it. This movie is strictly for Argento fans, but to be honest even fans will suffer knowing that Argento had anything to do with this mess.

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